I’ve gone through the longest five months of my life guessing, anticipating and thinking what actually happened? Did I do or say something wrong? Five months of total silence. Not a single word. What lead to this? Was it my fault? Every single day I repeated and dissected the last conversation we had, hoping that I could figure out the answer. Every single day, for the last five months. On my drive to work, throughout my morning run, my drive back from work, before I go to bed – I still couldn’t figure it out.

He said that he needed a couple of months to figure things out. It’s been five months now. Nothing.

No answer is actually an answer isn’t it? I don’t know why do I take so long to figure that out. I’ve attempted to seek the truth from him these couple of days. Again, he shunned me off. Maybe its easier for him to just ignore me and not answer my text message since he is far away. I couldn’t face another humiliation if I were to call and he ask me to call some other time. I know he tend to do that.

I have no idea what I did at all that he decided that I should be ignored. I don’t know….what I know now is that whatever we had before must have not mean anything to him.

This has to stop. Time to pick myself up and dust myself off, like I always did.

If there’s one important thing i learn from life is the power of choice. I find it difficult to comprehend when people say they don’t have a choice. Of course you do. You choose to eat nasi lemak instead of cereal in the morning, you choose to take the train instead of driving, you choose to build instead of burn bridges. Where ever you end up in life is not upon fate or chance. It is a cleverly orchestrated string of choices you make over few years of your life.

When I started out with Mr. Funnyman, I choose not to have any expectations on him so that I will not be disappointed if he doesn’t meet my expectation. I wanted to take him as he is – all that he is and all that he is not. I choose to look beyond his imperfections. I choose to learn to accept instead of tolerate.

But I guess that wasn’t enough.

Mak : Can I ask, are you getting married this year?

Me: What? no. NO i’m not getting married this year.

Mak: What’s going on between you and ***?

Me: I don’t know, hard to say.

Mak: Tell me the truth. I’m asking you outright. What happened?

Me: Why?

Mak: I have set aside some money for your wedding. You are my only daughter. So I want to give you a nice wedding. But if its not going to happen this year, I want to use some of the money first for something else. So what happened?

Me: Well, he asked for a 2 month break. He needed to think things through.

Mak: What does that mean?

Me: I don’t know, I guess since we are already physically apart now, he wants nothing to do with me emotionally too for 2 months. Total separation. Out of his life. So he can evaluate whether he wants to go on with the relationship

Mak: How did that happen?

Me: I don’t know, it started when I wanted to talk about our relationship. where is it heading. I just need to know whether it is heading anywhere at all. Now that he is in my life I need to align all my life plan with whatever he has in mind. But one thing got to another and it escalated and turned into something else.

Mak: Erm…you want to talk about it?

Me: No

Mak: mmm….ok. If you’re sure. What happen now?

Me: I don’t know, I have to go on with my life.

Mak: So you think its ok for me to use some of the money?

Me: No. Use ALL.

I always wonder why do I have to think differently? why do I have to speak my mind ALL the time, why do I like music people don’t listen to, books not many people read. Why do I ask a lot of questions. Why do I travel 10,000 miles just to find out how a place look like. Why do I drive 10 hours just to take 5 awful pictures of a rundown train station.

Why is it I’m not like everyone else? It will be much easier cause I don’t have to explain myself for the decision I make.

When I left the Service, EVERYBODY ask why? I don’t understand……cause all that was in my head was why not? When i take up an english class at the british council, the same question come about. I always thought, learning is a lifelong process, you can never be too good at something, so why not?

Then I came across Haruki Murakami’s book that has this line in it:

“If you read the book that everyone else is reading, you can only think what everyone else is thinking”

Then I get it, maybe I should stop trying to be like everyone else. Cause I am not. Cause I am me. And I am different.

Was watching CNN over dinner and hearing the report about the uprising reminded me a joke about president Hosni Mubarak. His reign of power is coming into its fourth decade. What once a cradle of civilisation, is now among country with lowest GDP. After decades of sluggish economy and ‘arrested’ development, the Egyptian people finally decided that its time for Mubarak to go. The Egyptians are well known for making jokes, but it looks like the joke on Mubarak is not funny anymore.

Here are some classic (when it was still funny):

Mubarak and one of his Minister was given a monkey each as a gift. They decided to sell it to help with the national deficit. To make it more efficient, they both went on a different direction and promised to meet back at a designated street corner. The Minister went on and sold his monkey. He walk back to the street corner to meet his president and found the monkey instead, counting his money.

Another classic:

While on a plane, Mubarak ask his 3 advisors how he can make Egyptian happy with $1,000? His first advisor said “Mr President, if you throw it out the window, you can make one Egyptian family happy” . The Second advisor offered his suggestion and said “Well Mr. President, if you split the money into half, put it into 2 bundles, and throw it out the window, you will make 2 Egyptian family happy” . Mubarak then, look at his third advisor. His third advisor then said “Mr. President, I have an even excellent idea. you will make all Egyptian happy if you put the money in your pocket and just jump out the window yourself”.

I really should have known by the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes, your casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace, the expression on your face
That told me
Maybe You might have some advice to give
On how to be Insensitive

How do you numb your skin after the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood, after the body rush
How do you free your soul, after you’ve found a friend
How do you teach your heart, it’s a crime to fall in love again

You probably won’t remember me
It’s probably ancient history
I’m one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I’m out of hope, I’m out of touch, I fell too fast, I feel too much
I thought that you might have
Some advice to give on how to be insensitive

I really should have known how to be Insensitive

Mr. Funnyman has become less funny lately. I just have this nagging feeling that our relationship is numbered. Though we are thousand of miles apart, I can sense it. Whenever I raise how we spend much less time with each other lately, he would say that I don’t know him well enough, that I should have understand how busy he could get and how he can’t make time for me. He even said that I don’t know how to console him like his ex-girlfriend did. That hurt. I noticed that his words has become quite hurtful with negative undertone. He missed my birthday. And didn’t apologise. He insisted that he was not at fault cause where he was at that time, it was not my birthday yet. He was the last person to wish me happy birthday. and it was through a text message, almost a day later. It hurts. But I tell myself that it was not a big deal, he was busy. Heh, that didn’t make the pain go away.

No more ‘I miss you’, or ‘I love you’, or ‘how i wish you were here’.

Lately it seems that I always got him at the wrong time. We can’t even have a long enough conversation to tell him how i fell. I’m sure he can sense it in my voice. But maybe he just don’t care anymore. So, recently I send him a long message on facebook (he regularly update his status and upload photos), telling him how I fell. Seeking his honesty whether his feelings for me has change? All I was hoping for was his acknowledgement. For him to say that he didn’t know that I fell that way. And assure me that everything will be ok. That I don’t have anything to worry about. And yes, he still love me.

But he responded with a string of excuses of how uncertain his work is, how it is clear to him that I don’t understand him well and that he is unsure of the relationship anymore. All this in writing. I called to ask whether he want to talk about it, he was at a dinner party with friends and said, he will let me know when. We finally talked about it 5 days later. To be honest, I didn’t expect at all the words that came from him. It never cross my mind that I want to reassess our relationship. I am very certain of my feelings for him. Glitches are normal in relationship and all we need to do is to find a solution to it. But he wanted a 2 months break to evaluate things. To evaluate us.

When we first started out I only requested 2 things from him. His time and his honesty. He already said he can’t give me his time. Now I just hope that he will at least give me his honesty. If he has love me a little less lately, or he realises that there’s no room for me anymore in his heart,  I just don’t want to be the last person to know. The truth hurts, but lies are worse.

Now all I can do is wait, for 2 months.

Anyway, it was ‘meet the parents’ session last weekend. I came over to have lunch with his family. And surprise…..surprise……it was not just parents but aunties and cousins as well….how intense was that? But everything went well and they are all ok. And yours truly managed to keep it together the whole time hallelujah!!!

One major thing that i noticed is that, all those doubts that i have previously just melted away….I know that it is only natural to introduce your family to your friends…and this ‘meet the parents’ lunch perhaps is just part of funnyman’s natural process…. I’m glad he did it.

BTW my dear non-existent cyber reader, I have 2 updates. My SIL just gave birth to a healthy baby boy. I am now officially a ‘mak long’ (eldest aunty). Urgh…that sounds so old school. But whatever, I don’t mind. I am old school. Anywho…he is such a feisty baby and dare I say very opinionated. He screamed bloody murder the moment oxygen was let into his lung. And all this without leaving the mother’s womb yet – The kind of cry that I interpret as ‘ WTF? already? damn it’s so cozy in here, what are you guys doing? No!!! I don’t want to leave!!!!! oh hell’

world, say hi to baby Naufal

Oh my second update. I told Mr. Funnyman about my uncertainties and he sort of like said it’s unfounded. He does have a point. I guess its just me. I don’t know. I need to be constantly reassured. Sometimes your faith sort of like wear off. Hence I need reassurance. Like shower, It doesn’t last long, that’s why you take it daily.