Broken strings

The hardest thing that I have ever dealt with is realising that I lose something that I never even have in the first place. It’s like a double blow to your face. It feels like being kicked when you are already down on the ground and bleeding (not that I have ever experienced that, but u know what I mean). The first cut is when you lose something, and the second deeper cut is when you realise that it wasn’t even yours. That’s how it usually is with me in the love department.

Mr. Funnyman has become less funny lately. I just have this nagging feeling that our relationship is numbered. Though we are thousand of miles apart, I can sense it. Whenever I raise how we spend much less time with each other lately, he would say that I don’t know him well enough, that I should have understand how busy he could get and how he can’t make time for me. He even said that I don’t know how to console him like his ex-girlfriend did. That hurt. I noticed that his words has become quite hurtful with negative undertone. He missed my birthday. And didn’t apologise. He insisted that he was not at fault cause where he was at that time, it was not my birthday yet. He was the last person to wish me happy birthday. and it was through a text message, almost a day later. It hurts. But I tell myself that it was not a big deal, he was busy. Heh, that didn’t make the pain go away.

No more ‘I miss you’, or ‘I love you’, or ‘how i wish you were here’.

Lately it seems that I always got him at the wrong time. We can’t even have a long enough conversation to tell him how i fell. I’m sure he can sense it in my voice. But maybe he just don’t care anymore. So, recently I send him a long message on facebook (he regularly update his status and upload photos), telling him how I fell. Seeking his honesty whether his feelings for me has change? All I was hoping for was his acknowledgement. For him to say that he didn’t know that I fell that way. And assure me that everything will be ok. That I don’t have anything to worry about. And yes, he still love me.

But he responded with a string of excuses of how uncertain his work is, how it is clear to him that I don’t understand him well and that he is unsure of the relationship anymore. All this in writing. I called to ask whether he want to talk about it, he was at a dinner party with friends and said, he will let me know when. We finally talked about it 5 days later. To be honest, I didn’t expect at all the words that came from him. It never cross my mind that I want to reassess our relationship. I am very certain of my feelings for him. Glitches are normal in relationship and all we need to do is to find a solution to it. But he wanted a 2 months break to evaluate things. To evaluate us.

When we first started out I only requested 2 things from him. His time and his honesty. He already said he can’t give me his time. Now I just hope that he will at least give me his honesty. If he has love me a little less lately, or he realises that there’s no room for me anymore in his heart,  I just don’t want to be the last person to know. The truth hurts, but lies are worse.

Now all I can do is wait, for 2 months.

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